I’m really bored and so I when I’m bored, I like to turn to games. Not just any games, but games that I call boredom simulators. Also known as Bethesda RPGs. (Well, OK, and maybe Gothic 3.)
But back to the point. Quests. I find most quests to be mostly moronic, slow, uninteresting, and whatnot. I’m sure a few of you like these quests, but then again, that’s why you’re in a padded cell.
I hope to learn enough Lua and C to make my own RPG someday (expect it in the year 2784), but imaginary quests and/or FPS missions (that may or may not suck, depending on how similar you are to me) will have to do.
Murder The GOP Nominee
In my untitled RPG that will be set in modern day America, a quest will be to infiltrate the house of the new GOP nominee who will be hell-bent on instilling conservative values in a free country, start a war with Canada, blow up half of Mexico, send troops to Venezuela for no apparent reason other than to steal oil, and alienate most of Europe… except Belgium (they have good lagers). Your character will have to either smooth talk his way into a heavily-guarded house, or to just blow the crap out of it with some custard powder and lots of dynamite. Then you must sneak out of the place like nothing ever happened (SHHHHHHH). +10 EXP.
Destroy Generic Angry Mutant Alien
In this nonexistent title that is set in a post-apocalyptic steampunk London in the year 1863, you must use a stereotypical Industrial Age steam-powered gun that shoots radioactive sausages (they can’t go around making bullets for such trivial things like mutants, you know). Their heads will explode in such a gory way it will put Fallout 3 to shame. +5 EXP
School Shootout
You are an angry student who decides to end it all by killing lots of people in your school. Unfortunately, thanks to the Brady Law, you have to pass the time while waiting for your unbelievably cliched TEK-9 to arrive. So you have to spend five days in real time learning things in-game. You will lose 5 EXP if you do not manage to hand in your homework on time, as well as a detention. +25 EXP
Extremely Non-Western Mech RPG
In this mission in a very non-Western RPG, you must kill evil the Makabaru-chan robot and save the day, as a gigantic mech that looks like a cuddly bear. Apparently that’s to make it playable for kids. Unlockable items include lolicon scrapbook and Sailor Moon wand. (Did she have a wand?) +5 EXP
Kill Stereotypical Italians
You parachute down to a fancy villa in Sicily, where there are lots of stereotypical womanizing men with oversized… packages and drink lots of expensive wine and liberally pour olive oil on their pasta and launder lots of money. Your aim is to wipe out all of these bastards with nothing but your wit, and a large chaingun (the latter is a lot more useful). +50 EXP
Hunt For The Sacred Scroll
In the fantasy land of Hellmongria, you and your Paladin must reach the Stone Cave up north in the cold region of Freezingtonia to retrive the sacred scroll that many wise elves and goblins and wizards and Ian McKellen have passed down for millenia: The Code of Forum Usage. This sacred script dictates the rules of using forums in a responsible way and is the way of the land for many years. If you choose the goody two-shoes ending, you will retrieve the scroll from the feared Trolls and protect it with your life, and to pass it down to your children and your children’s children. If you choose the complete asshole ending, you will join the Trolls in being assholes in the land. +100,000 EXP, and a picture of Chris Avellone making out with a banana. If you choose the asshole side, you lose all your EXP, and you get a picture of Gabe Newell naked and hugging a cheese sandwich
