It is not news that the next big thing in the whole e-commerce arena is digital distribution. Specifically for games. Why? Because it’s just not sexy to download Photoshop or porn after paying for it online. And because music was the first big thing. Obviously games are a perfect fit because industry executives think that fat people play games, and fat people don’t like to move around, so why not bring the games to them? (I’m not fat.)

I’ve only used four or five of these magical services that promise to deliver this interactive electronic software to my squirrel-powered computer, but there are many more that exist, but I haven’t tried. And it wouldn’t be good journalism if I rated the ones I haven’t (and never plan to) used.

For the uninitiated (I’ve always wanted to say that) the idea is simple. Choose game(s), punch in your credit/debit card or other payment method, and download. There’s much more to it than that, such as download speeds, whether or not the companies want you as a customer (more on that later), and of course, the games they have on there.

One of the biggest problems is the regional restriction. Once used to stop Cubans from buying capitalist music online, it is now the reason why anyone living anywhere but North America cannot buy Grand Theft Auto 4. Or Street Fighter 4. Or Space Siege (not that you want to). Find me a game that is restricted to the US, Canada and sometimes Mexico and I will bring you Jesus Christ himself. The reason for this is not entirely known but publishers always like to pin it on licensing issues. Right. And I’m going to marry Jennifer Morrison.

Without further ado, I bring you my somewhat biased rundown of digital distribution outlets (that I have used, and not in any particular order):

1. Steam

Steam, created by the boys in Washington (state) by Valve, of Half Life fame, was originally used to serve customers generous helpings of Half Life 2 in 2004, when it was finally out of beta. It didn’t go too well, though. People in Europe felt annoyed when they tried to play their games (Europeans are still annoyed today) and it didn’t work. All in all, it was a major fiasco.

These days, it’s known for not sucking too much and cheap games and regular deals. And lots of games. Mostly mainstream titles, but there are indie games as well as some old games.

Steam’s community is a shitpile. Go to the forums and you will wish you never did. Fanboys are all over the place, attacking anything from your mother to your gender to your favorite kind of steak just because you said Steam likes to rip Non-Americans off. Which is entirely true. Europeans and Brits suffer the wrath of non US dollar pricing, which is bad enough but gets worse when you realize it’s a $49.99 game in the US but 49.99 Euros in France. Maybe one day someone will tell Gabe “I eat babies for lunch” Newell that Euros aren’t the same as US dollars.

Download speeds are hit/miss, depending if there are content servers near you (Settings and look for the Downloads tab). Generally it’s around 100kb/s to 1MB/s. I know, vague much? Steam’s got a good friends feature so you can see what your friends (if you have any) are playing and you can chat, and engage in the measuring of the e-peen via the use of achievements. But don’t get me started on those insane SSAs and those idiots claiming you don’t actually own your games. All in all, a good service if not for one or two huge problems.

2. Impulse

Impulse has some good ideas. That said, I’ve only used it for Stardock exclusives (of which I own three) and while I give them props for the GOO DRM which while sounds yucky is a good idea in giving more power to the customer while showing who’s boss. You can sell your games back to the publisher (but no game seems to have that feature, which says an awful lot, doesn’t it?) and the lack of a need to sign into Impulse and connect to the Internet (unlike Steam) is a plus, but since you’re almost always connected to the Internet (unless you’re in a Turkish prison), it doesn’t really matter. Download speeds are quite good,and the interface is very good, if not using a liberal amount of Calibri.

Regional restrictions are terrible here, with games that are blocked for purchase available internationally on Steam. Given this and the very bad community features I cannot recommend this for anything but Stardock games. I say give it another iteration or two and it will be a worthy contender to Steam.

3. Gamersgate

I like to think of Gamersgate as the cousin to Steam that never was. Instead of focusing on games like The Sims 3 or Battlefield: Bad Company 2 (which are both on Gamersgate, incidentally), they sell more of the underdogs, the lesser known games that you otherwise wouldn’t have tried. Most of them come from Europe, and a LOT of them are bad, but once in a while you’ll find that special game that you will play over and over. I’ve only got two games, and something has to be done about their downloads. Their speeds are very bad for anywhere but Europe (and even then, only a very small part of it) but they claim this will be fixed soon with more servers. DRM isn’t a problem because they tell you if there’s DRM or not. If you’re still unsure, send an email to support. Speaking of support…

Their support is nothing short of stellar. They answer quickly, they go above and beyond, and they treat you like family (paying family). Nothing but good words to say about them, except maybe more mainstream titles and ditching the download program, which you download every time you download a game (!), in favor of a unified downloader like Steam, Impulse, or…

4. Good Old Games

To be honest I don’t think this should count. It’s a rather niche market, old games, and even more so when we’re talking about good ones. But whatever, it’s my blog and I’ll do what I want.

The games are cheap. Criminally cheap. So cheap you’ll think you can afford “one more” and one week later you’re out of a home and a car. $5.99 or $9.99, no restrictions, and definitely no DRM for such classics like Myst to the lesser classics like Sensible Soccer 2006, and on rare occasions, pure and utter shit like Driver: Parallel Lines ($9.99, don’t bother).

Support is decent, sometimes they take a little nudging (like when I asked for a Far Cry multiplayer key and I had to keep pestering them), and the community is truly a far cry from the Steam forums, where people are (usually) nice and can help you out. Support is a last resort when it comes to these admittedly old games, so you’ll be spending a lot of time on the game specific forums if you’re stuck on something or other.

5. EA Store

I’m not a big fan of game publishers selling me games directly because it obviously means less choice, but EA has finally nailed it. The stores vary by region, and I’m lucky I live in Hong Kong, where there literally is a shrine for EA here. The prices are very cheap, cheaper than Steam, and sometimes even cheaper than retail (in Hong Kong, that’s saying something), and the speeds are quite good. Since it’s region-specific for your EA Store, there are no region restrictions to speak of, unless you count having less games in your store than in the United States. Of course, we’re not dealing with EA, we’re dealing with Digital River, who really sucks. Some have reported on an evil thing called Extended Download, which is $5 or $6 US to extend your download expiry date. That’s not really EA’s fault, but it’s really annoying. Some users have reported no such thing, so read the fine print to see if you’re one of the (un)lucky few.

I’ve only gotten one game from them but I intend to use them more often in the near future.

There you have it. A list of services I use and recommend (or not).

I don’t get it. So you buy a space station in a game when instead you could have bought a Maserati, or a house, or lots of Doritos? What was this guy thinking? This purchase acquisition allows him to use it to charge others and make a return in his “investment”, or more like WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE WITH A LOT OF MONEY?

Even if he made all that in game and saved up, if I were him I’d just withdraw the money (all MMOs that deal with trade like this let you withdraw/deposit real world amounts) and buy an Audi.

And besides, about making a return investment, this making money back plan depends on others being as insane to actually give this Buzz Erik Lightyear guy real money in-game as well. And judging by microtransaction and Second Life business models in games, if there’s an option to do something for free or do the same thing but pay for some shiny thing, people usually just go the free route.

Here’s just some of the things you can do with $330,000:

• A 2010 Audi R8 V10 ($146,000)
• 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom house in Oak Park, near Malibu, California ($250,000)
• A trip around Earth in space from Virgin Galactic (deposit+ticket $220,000)
• Ferrari 458 Italia ($240,000)

And instead he buys a space station. Wonder if he’s seen the light and he’s asking for refunds?

I’ve never played the first Left 4 Dead (well, there was this one time two weeks ago for like, half an hour at a friend’s house), so I wasn’t sure what to expect other than killing lots of zombies infected humans, which I’m a fan of. That, and killing zombies, I guess.

So I loaded the demo up, and wow. I am really impressed. A lot of chatter on the Steam forums are saying that it’s nothing like the original, and it’s all mindless shooting rather than teamwork (nobody helped me up until I typed in chat, “help me up you morons”), but I don’t think that’s a bad thing, necessarily. I don’t really care that much, it’s just a game, after all. And there’s a lot of talk about not much change and it’s pathetic and it’s a ripoff. Then again, this is the Steam forums we’re talking about here.

So the campaign found in the demo is called The Parish, set in New Orleans (so they say, I’ve never actually been there). One of the chapters is The Park, or at least part of it is, and it’s mindblowing how much violence is to be found there. It’s basically parts here and there from the chapter, ranging from zombies infected humans in the park (didn’t see any of the so-called Hazmat infected though), to a part in the bus stop after going into a trailer and stocking up on weapons. It’s really cool to be this guy, decked out in sniper rifle gear and shooting the shit out of stuff that moves. I was on a laptop, so I couldn’t zoom, which sucked, so at first chance I grabbed an AK-47, which was awesome. Also picked up a frying pan, but more on the melee later.

After the bus stop chapter and getting in the safe room, I was treated to another part of the campaign which is located suspiciously like the French Quater in New Orleans. I decided to be somewhat of a jerk, and I simply ran like hell all over the place trying to avoid any confrontations with the zombies infected humans, and no, it didn’t work. But after going into a corner restaurant, I saw a few cars here and there, and a little warning saying something like, “DON’T SET THE CAR ALARMS OFF, IT ATTRACTS THE HORDE” or something like that. So guess what I did? Of course I aimed my Kalashnikov at the cars and fired.

I ran like hell, running into zombies infected people here and there, and I used my melee weapon, the frying pan, and whacked the shit out of everyone. Now that’s something I liked to do. After doing good to the world, I happened across the safe room, and that’s where my adventures with the Left 4 Dead demo and killing zombies infected humans ended. What do I think about the game? I think it’s great and I can’t wait to download the full game. Those whiny bastards who were all about boycotting the game, shut it. This game is proof that Valve, despite its many faults, knows how to make a good game.

I’m really bored and so I when I’m bored, I like to turn to games. Not just any games, but games that I call boredom simulators. Also known as Bethesda RPGs. (Well, OK, and maybe Gothic 3.)

But back to the point. Quests. I find most quests to be mostly moronic, slow, uninteresting, and whatnot. I’m sure a few of you like these quests, but then again, that’s why you’re in a padded cell.

I hope to learn enough Lua and C to make my own RPG someday (expect it in the year 2784), but imaginary quests and/or FPS missions (that may or may not suck, depending on how similar you are to me) will have to do.

Murder The GOP Nominee

In my untitled RPG that will be set in modern day America, a quest will be to infiltrate the house of the new GOP nominee who will be hell-bent on instilling conservative values in a free country, start a war with Canada, blow up half of Mexico, send troops to Venezuela for no apparent reason other than to steal oil, and alienate most of Europe… except Belgium (they have good lagers). Your character will have to either smooth talk his way into a heavily-guarded house, or to just blow the crap out of it with some custard powder and lots of dynamite. Then you must sneak out of the place like nothing ever happened (SHHHHHHH). +10 EXP.

Destroy Generic Angry Mutant Alien

In this nonexistent title that is set in a post-apocalyptic steampunk London in the year 1863, you must use a stereotypical Industrial Age steam-powered gun that shoots radioactive sausages (they can’t go around making bullets for such trivial things like mutants, you know). Their heads will explode in such a gory way it will put Fallout 3 to shame. +5 EXP

School Shootout

You are an angry student who decides to end it all by killing lots of people in your school. Unfortunately, thanks to the Brady Law, you have to pass the time while waiting for your unbelievably cliched TEK-9 to arrive. So you have to spend five days in real time learning things in-game. You will lose 5 EXP if you do not manage to hand in your homework on time, as well as a detention. +25 EXP

Extremely Non-Western Mech RPG

In this mission in a very non-Western RPG, you must kill evil the Makabaru-chan robot and save the day, as a gigantic mech that looks like a cuddly bear. Apparently that’s to make it playable for kids. Unlockable items include lolicon scrapbook and Sailor Moon wand. (Did she have a wand?) +5 EXP

Kill Stereotypical Italians

You parachute down to a fancy villa in Sicily, where there are lots of stereotypical womanizing men with oversized… packages and drink lots of expensive wine and liberally pour olive oil on their pasta and launder lots of money. Your aim is to wipe out all of these bastards with nothing but your wit, and a large chaingun (the latter is a lot more useful). +50 EXP

Hunt For The Sacred Scroll

In the fantasy land of Hellmongria, you and your Paladin must reach the Stone Cave up north in the cold region of Freezingtonia to retrive the sacred scroll that many wise elves and goblins and wizards and Ian McKellen have passed down for millenia: The Code of Forum Usage. This sacred script dictates the rules of using forums in a responsible way and is the way of the land for many years. If you choose the goody two-shoes ending, you will retrieve the scroll from the feared Trolls and protect it with your life, and to pass it down to your children and your children’s children. If you choose the complete asshole ending, you will join the Trolls in being assholes in the land. +100,000 EXP, and a picture of Chris Avellone making out with a banana. If you choose the asshole side, you lose all your EXP, and you get a picture of Gabe Newell naked and hugging a cheese sandwich

The greatest thing ever has been invented (well, not exactly). A Javascript emulator for NES games, with ROMs and all. A little on the slow side (I barely broke 5 FPS on my laptop), and the screen to play the games in is ridiculously small. Still, great proof of concept and I hope it can be developed further. Check out the project here.