On Monday, I decided to get out my trusty bottle of God’s finest condiment ever known, aka. Bacon Salt.

Unfortunately, the “salt” was stuck, so nothing would come out. And it felt sort of wrong. No matter, I griped online. Also known as griping on Twitter. After all, I was a loyal follower to the Bacon Salt Twitter page (@baconsalt) and I put their name in my tweet once or twice. Or maybe more, I can’t remember.

Then I check my Twitter profile a while later and I find out I get a Direct Message from them, and they offer to replace my bottle of that sweet, sweet original Bacon Salt, with its lovely spices and— I’m getting way off topic. Anyway, they told me to send an email to their orders thing, and I bashed off a quick message, and these guys don’t even need proof. I’ve never heard of a company that actually trusted me! These guys are wonderful. I’ve considered sending this story to the Consumerist, but they probably have tons of these warm and fuzzy stories.

Anyway, to the guy/monkey/whatever that reads this stuff at that fancy Bacon Salt office of yours, you’ve made a customer for life.

Firstly, it is fucking awesome. Secondly, it’s fucking awesome. Thirdly, it’s FUCKING AWESOME.

Anyway.

After getting it in priority USPS first-class mail (which is like Hell’s VIP, if you think about it), I sprinkled my Original flavored Bacon Salt on pretty much anything edible. The thing about Bacon Salt is that because it’s artificial (to appease the Jews and the Muslims and the Scientologists), it sort of tastes like bacon, while somewhat smokey-BBQ-ish as well. Not too bad, given I like both things equally.

The thing about Bacon Salt is that not only does it work on anything (put it on pork chops… OH. MY. GOD.), it also doesn’t work on everything. Try it on fruit. Not a good idea. Shoe leather, also no. Chewing gum? If it’s not fruity, go for it.

You see, the idea behind Bacon Salt stemmed from the idea that everyone (on the Internet) loves bacon. This is a fact. Sadly, their motto that everything should taste like bacon is flawed. I sure as well do not want bacon-flavored cyanide— well, if it took the pain away, I guess it would be OK.

Bacon Salt is a great thing if you’re trying to lose weight. After all, all the taste and none of the calories (or guilt) is an exciting premise for the winners of The Biggest Loser to try out. And for the religious fanatics who would blow up an Oscar Mayer factory, it’s for you too. Next I expect to see Bacon Salt recipes in gourmet restaurants frequented by snobby rich bastards in Manhattan.